Bringing common sense with a grain of salt back to parenting!
Mistake: Treating teens as if their sole purpose is free labor for your domestic empire.
Consequence: “Welcome to your new unpaid position: Dishwasher Operator, Junior Trash Removal Associate, and Part-Time Sock Hunter.”
Reality check: Chores teach responsibility — but tyranny teaches resentment.
Some parents cross the line between teaching responsibility and running a small domestic sweatshop. If your teen has started treating chores like violations of basic human rights, it might be a good time to review them. Because chores are supposed to build character — not lifelong resentment or advanced skills in strategic avoidance techniques.
THE ISSUE
Every parent has experienced it: you ask your teenager to take out the trash, and they look at you like you just demanded they scale Everest barefoot. Cue the sigh, the shuffle, the Oscar-worthy eye roll. You remind them that “everyone has to pitch in,” and they remind you — in words, tone, or sheer aura — that they were not born to be your butler.
Somewhere between “learning responsibility” and “being exploited,” there’s a delicate balance. Teens should do chores. But when parents cross the line into Chore Dictator mode, the house stops feeling like a home and starts feeling like an unpaid internship program.
Suddenly, your teen isn’t learning the value of responsibility. They’re learning the value of sneaking out the back door before you notice the dishwasher’s full.
WHY PARENTS DO THIS
We don’t do it because of our cruelty (at least not most of parents don't). We do it because of noble reasons, because doing chores build character, and because of:
Nostalgia Parenting. Back in your day, you scrubbed floors, babysat siblings, and milked cows before school (or at least that’s how you remember it). By comparison, unloading a dishwasher feels like a spa day.
Efficiency Myth. It’s tempting to think: If everyone does their part, the household runs smoothly. That’s true — but only if “everyone” actually does their part without resentment, rebellion, or hiding dirty dishes under the bed.
Guilt-Driven Overcorrection. Parents often feel teens are entitled, lazy, or glued to their phones. Assigning a heavy roster of chores feels like an antidote: This will build character!
The Equity Illusion. You notice your teen lounging on the couch while you fold laundry and think: Unfair. Suddenly, a new rule is born: “If I’m working, you must be too.”
Control in Disguise. Chores aren’t just about clean houses — they’re about power. If your teen resists, doubling down feels like reclaiming authority.
HOW THIS HARMS TEENS (AND US)
Playing the parent dictator role:
Teaches Resentment, Not Responsibility. When chores feel like punishment or endless servitude, teens don’t learn the value of helping. They learn how to resent housework — and you.
Fuels the Eye-Roll Olympics. The heavier the chore load, the more dramatic the sighs, groans, and muttered protests. Household harmony plummets.
Backfires Into Laziness. Instead of learning initiative, teens become experts in procrastination, avoidance, or “strategic incompetence” (doing a job so badly you’ll never ask again).
Damages Trust and Connection. If every family interaction revolves around nagging about chores, you lose opportunities for lighter, more meaningful moments.
Sends the Wrong Message. Teens may conclude: My worth at home is measured only by what I do, not who I am. That’s not the lesson you’re aiming for.
AVOIDING THE TRAP
Luckily, it's not so hard to avoid becoming the Chore Dictator — while still keeping your house from devolving into a raccoon sanctuary.
Frame Chores as Contribution, Not Punishment. The language matters. Instead of: “You’re grounded until you scrub the bathroom,” try: “We all live here, so we all pitch in.” Reframing doing chores as “helping the house stay livable so your friends can come over,” can lead to sporadic motivation bursts. (Peer judgment > parental nagging.)
Start With Small, Consistent Jobs. Huge, overwhelming chore lists trigger rebellion. Instead, give them one or two predictable responsibilities. Small consistency builds habit better than random marathons of cleaning. (Think of it like exercise. Asking your teen to clean the garage once a year is like expecting six-pack abs from one yoga class.)
Negotiate, Don’t Dictate. Involve them in deciding chores. They may prefer vacuuming over dishes or walking the dog over folding laundry. Choice creates buy-in.
Respect Time and Timing. Assigning a chore right when they’re in the middle of homework, a video call with friends, or — God forbid — a nap, is a guaranteed fight. Instead, agree on when chores will be done. (Pro tip: “Before dinner” gives flexibility while still ensuring completion.)
Model What You Preach. If you bark orders from the couch, teens notice. Join in occasionally, and they’ll view chores less like oppression and more like teamwork. (Nothing kills credibility faster than sipping wine while shouting, “Vacuum faster!”)
Link Chores to Real-Life Skills. Frame chores as training for adulthood. “You’ll thank me in college when you’re not the roommate who leaves moldy dishes for weeks.”
Appreciate Effort — Even Imperfect Effort. Your teen will not fold towels like you do. That’s okay. Praise the effort, not the perfection. Criticizing every attempt discourages future attempts.
Connect Chores to Privileges, Not Worth. It’s fair to tie chores to privileges (like screen time), but don’t tie them to love or self-worth. The message should be: “We work together because we’re a family,” not “You’re valuable only if you clean.”
MISTAKES TO AVOID
Using chores exclusively as punishment.
Expecting adult-level perfection.
Overloading one teen while siblings skate free.
Turning chores into daily screaming matches.
Forgetting to acknowledge when they actually do help.
THE PAYOFF
When you shift from Chore Dictator to Chore Coach:
Teens feel trusted, not exploited.
Household harmony improves (fewer slammed doors, more clean dishes).
You’re teaching life skills they’ll need beyond your walls.
Most importantly: you protect the relationship from being defined entirely by nagging.
There is one simple truth: one day, your teen will live on their own. They’ll take out the trash, vacuum, and do laundry — not because you barked orders, but because they learned it mattered. And maybe — just maybe — they’ll be even thankful they did.
© Kristijan Musek Lešnik, 2025
