Bringing common sense with a grain of salt back to parenting!
Mistake: Expecting your teen to act like a fully-formed adult just because they occasionally sound like one.
Reality Check: Their brain is literally still under construction; flashes of wisdom don’t equal finished wiring.
Teenagers are walking contradictions: philosophers at breakfast, chaos goblins by lunch. One minute they’re offering deep insights about world peace and justice, the next they’re growing mold in a forgotten smoothie cup. The trap? Mistaking flashes of maturity for a permanent upgrade. So let's look at why their brains still run on “beta software,” how our impatience backfires, and why progress beats perfection when raising humans who are still under construction.
THE ISSUE
There’s a strange, universal moment in parenting teens: one day, your child makes a surprisingly insightful observation about life. Maybe they question the fairness of a rule in a way that’s logical and articulate. Maybe they express empathy for a friend’s tough situation. Maybe they remember to feed the dog without you reminding them.
And in that instant, you think, Yes! Finally. They’ve arrived. They’re basically an adult now!
Fast-forward to later that same day when this budding philosopher, this almost-adult, leaves a full glass of milk in their room for three days until it begins to resemble a new species. Suddenly, your wise Socrates is just… a 16-year-old with questionable hygiene and zero impulse control.
It’s maddening. And so begins the parental tug-of-war: demanding flashes of maturity on Monday, rolling your eyes at absurd immaturity on Tuesday, and threatening to move into a yurt alone in the woods by Friday.
WHY PARENTS DO THIS (Expect Too Much Too Fast)
It feels logical: if teens can handle some adult things, they must be ready for all of them. But the reality is far messier. Here’s why we fall into this trap:
Impatience. After 14+ years of nagging about shoes, backpacks, and teeth brushing, you are tired. You want an upgrade, a firmware patch, a maturity download. Enough with the reminders. You crave a household where everyone operates with the efficiency of a Scandinavian design catalog.
Selective Evidence. Parents have a bias problem. We remember the good flashes of maturity (like when they gave a heartfelt wedding toast at 15) and conveniently forget the less mature realities (like when they couldn’t locate the ketchup sitting directly in front of them).
Projection. You compare them to yourself at their age. Except memory is fuzzy — you forget the dumb choices you made, the times you snuck out, the grades you tanked, the polyester outfits you thought were cool. You mentally edit yourself into a responsible mini-adult and expect them to match your highlight reel.
Wishful Thinking. If they’re mature, it means you did your job as a parent. It’s like looking for ROI on 16 years of unpaid labor. Every mature moment is a gold star for you.
Fear and Magical Thinking. You imagine that by piling on responsibilities, you can accelerate their growth. “Sink or swim” logic. If they can drive a car, surely they can manage deadlines, relationships, and taxes by next Tuesday. Right?
HOW THIS HARMS TEENS (AND US)
Expecting too much too soon backfires in many ways:
Setting Them Up to Fail. Expecting adult-level maturity when they’re still learning guarantees failure. It’s like handing a toddler a chainsaw and being shocked when it doesn’t end well.
Damaging Self-Esteem. If they stumble under unrealistic expectations, they internalize it as I’m not capable instead of I’m still learning.
Creating Resentment. They notice the double standards: “You say I’m old enough to know better, but not old enough to stay out past 9:30?” Hypocrisy is their kryptonite, and they will weaponize it.
Ignoring Science. Their prefrontal cortex — the brain’s CEO for planning, impulse control, and long-term thinking — won’t fully mature until their mid-20s. You’re asking a 16-year-old brain to operate like a 40-year-old one. Spoiler: it can’t.
Risk-Taking Amplified. The more you demand instant maturity, the more likely they are to fake it. And “pretending to be mature” often translates to risky behavior when no one’s looking.
AVOIDING THE TRAP
The antidote to expecting instant maturity isn’t lowering the bar into the basement. It’s aligning expectations with reality while leaving room for growth.
Match Responsibility to Readiness. Instead of dumping the whole “adult starter pack” on them, test the waters. Driving? Sure, but also teach them how to pump gas, check tire pressure, and not drive like they’re auditioning for Fast & Furious.
Break Big Skills into Small Steps. Don’t just tell them to “be responsible with money.” Start with managing allowance or part-time job earnings. Teach budgeting before mortgages.
Treat Mistakes as Lessons, Not Verdicts. Forget the “You should have known better” speech. They didn’t. That’s the point. Correct, guide, and move on. Every failure is data.
Keep Standards Consistent. Don’t flip-flop between “You’re basically an adult” and “You’re still a baby.” It’s whiplash parenting. If you trust them to babysit siblings, don’t treat them like they can’t handle curfew negotiations.
Model Patience (Even When You’re Screaming Inside). If you handle their lapses with volcanic fury, they learn fear, not maturity. Demonstrate that growth is slow, sometimes messy, but safe with you.
Praise Progress, Not Perfection. “Thanks for remembering to take the trash out without me asking” carries more weight than “Why can’t you do this every time?” Momentum builds on small wins.
Allow Negotiation (Within Limits). If they argue for a later curfew, let them present their case. It models adult negotiation — not endless rule-bending, but logical argument. (Think of it as debate club. They’ll try rhetoric worthy of a political campaign, but that’s still practice.)
Share Your Own Immaturity Stories. Confession is connection. Tell them about the time you bombed your first job interview or shrank an entire load of laundry. This reminds them maturity is earned, not instant.
MISTAKES TO AVOID
Expecting them to act like a mini-adult in all areas because they excel in one (honor student ≠ emotionally stable at all times).
Shaming them for still being immature in predictable ways (their brain is literally wired for impulsive decisions).
Assuming “responsible in front of you” means “responsible when unsupervised.” (Spoiler: it doesn’t.)
Forgetting that growth doesn’t follow your timeline, no matter how many lectures you give.
THE PAYOFF
When you shift from demanding instant maturity to supporting gradual growth, many things can happen:
They can learn responsibility without crushing pressure.
They can build confidence by actually succeeding, not pretending.
You can preserve your relationship by being coach and cheerleader, not disappointed boss.
They can see adulthood as something to grow into, not a performance they’re failing at.
The twist is as follows: the less you demand perfection now, the faster they’ll grow. Because without the fear of disappointing you at every turn, they can focus on the real work of becoming who they’re meant to be.
So the next time you want to yell, “You’re old enough to know better!” maybe stop and remind yourself: they’re also still young enough to leave a Pop-Tart in the toaster until it catches fire.
And that’s okay. Growth takes time.
© Kristijan Musek Lešnik, 2025
