Bringing common sense with a grain of salt back to parenting!
We may think giving in keeps the peace. In reality, it often creates little dictators who know exactly how to get their way — and exhausted parents who fear the word “no” more than their kids do.
Mistake: Avoiding conflict by saying yes to every demand.
Consequence: You hand over a popsicle for breakfast just to stop the screaming, whispering to yourself, “At least it has fruit in it.”
Reality Check: Boundaries are love. Kids don’t need constant yeses — they need safe, firm noes that help them grow.
It starts with ice cream after dinner. Then it’s “one more show,” “one more toy,” “one more cookie.” Before you know it, you’re the genie from Aladdin, granting every wish just to keep the meltdown away.
Let's explore why saying no feels so terrifying, how it shapes kids in the long run, and how we cen set loving boundaries without turning our house into a nightly battlefield.
THE ISSUE
It’s 4:00 p.m. in the grocery store. You’re tired, your child is tired, and you’re one cart away from freedom. Then it happens:
“Can I have a lollipop?”
You hesitate. “Not today.”
Cue meltdown. Full-body flop in aisle five. You can feel the judgmental stares from the Organic Kale Moms. And so, in a desperate attempt to silence the siren wails, you hand over the candy. Silence. Peace. For now.
But later that week, your child requests cookies before dinner. You say no. They melt down. You cave. And so it continues, until every “no” is met with a battle you don’t have the energy to fight. Saying yes feels easier in the moment — but long term, it turns your child into a master negotiator and you into a very tired vending machine.
WHY PARENTS DO THIS
The reasons are really simple. We do it because:
We’re Exhausted. After work, chores, and life, the last thing we want is another argument. Yes feels easier than a tantrum.
We Fear Embarrassment. Public meltdowns feel like personal failures. Sometimes it’s not about the kid — it’s about saving face in Target.
We Want Them Happy. Parents often confuse temporary pleasure with long-term happiness. “Ice cream = joy” feels better than “tears in the minivan.”
We Carry Guilt. Long work hours, less time together — saying yes feels like compensation.
We Were Raised Differently. Some of us grew up with harsh rules and vowed never to be “that parent.” So we swing the other way: endless yeses.
Actually, it used to be different. Not many decades ago (in 1980s/90s):
Parents said no. Often loudly, sometimes with finger wagging.
Kids whined, but meltdowns rarely won.
Stores didn’t line the checkout aisles with candy like booby traps.
“Because I said so” was a legitimate argument.
Then things changed dramatically, and in 2020s:
“Because I said so” is frowned upon — we’re supposed to reason, negotiate, explain.
Stores are designed to tempt kids — candy racks, toy bins, cartoon characters everywhere.
Social media magnifies judgment: if your kid melts down in public, it might end up on TikTok.
Parenting advice swings between “gentle boundaries” and “don’t crush their spirit,” leaving us terrified of being “too harsh.”
We’ve moved from authority to accommodation, often leaving parents paralyzed at the simple word: no.
HOW THIS HARMS CHILDREN (AND US)
The difficulty parents have in using the word no with their children has numerous implications. It:
Creates a Sense of Entitlement. Kids learn that persistence (a.k.a. screaming) equals reward.
Undermines Security. Boundaries make kids feel safe. No boundaries = chaos.
Delays Resilience. Kids never learn to handle disappointment or wait for things.
Strains Relationships. Every request becomes a power struggle.
Burns Out Parents. Constantly caving is exhausting and unsustainable.
Warps Values. Kids may start to measure love in stuff, screens, or sugar.
WHY IT’S TEMPTING TO KEEP DOING IT
Because it works — at least in the moment. Handing over the ice cream ends the tantrum. Granting the iPad buys 20 minutes of peace. But every quick fix plants seeds for bigger battles later.
AVOIDING THE TRAP
Luckily, there are ways to reclaim your “no” without turning your home into a war zone.
1. Redefine “No” as Love
Boundaries aren’t rejection; they’re security. Kids need to know someone is steering the ship. (Somewhere I red about a mother, who said to her daughter, “I love you too much to let you eat candy for dinner.” Her daughter frowned, but years later remembered that line fondly — because it meant someone cared enough to say no.)
2. Pick Your “No” Battles
Not every request deserves a hill to die on. Save firm NOs for what matters (health, safety, respect). Let small things slide. (You can say yes to mismatched socks, and no to lollipops for breakfast.)
3. Offer Choices, Not Ultimatums
Instead of a flat “no,” redirect. “No cookies before dinner, but you can have apple slices or cheese.” Kids feel some control, but you stay in charge.
4. Hold Firm Through the Storm
Meltdowns are hard, but caving teaches kids meltdowns work. Stay calm, ride it out, and they’ll eventually learn screaming isn’t a ticket to ice cream. If you can endure three 20-minute public tantrums in the cereal aisle, by week four, your kid might realize it doesn't work.
5. Use Humor as Deflection
“No” doesn’t have to feel heavy. Using humor can lighten the situation. (“No cookies before dinner, but you can have… broccoli ice cream!”)
6. Explain When It Helps, Not Always
Endless reasoning turns into bargaining. Sometimes “Because I said so” (with love) really is enough. (Trick: Short explanations work well for older kids, calm firmness works for younger ones.)
7. Build a “Yes” Bank
Balance the nos with meaningful yeses. If kids hear yes sometimes — especially for play, silliness, and connection — they’ll trust your NOs more.(You can keep saying no to extra toys. But once in a while, you can surprise your child with a spontaneous yes to ice cream. The “NOs” feel less harsh when they aren’t absolute.)
8. Check Your Own Guilt
Sometimes we’re saying yes because we feel bad. Remember: boundaries aren’t cruelty. They’re the long-term gift of resilience.
MISTAKES TO AVOID
Saying no to everything out of habit.
Saying yes just to avoid embarrassment.
Explaining so much it turns into negotiation.
Using bribes instead of boundaries.
Confusing short-term peace with long-term parenting.
THE PAYOFF
When we reclaim “no”:
Kids can learn resilience and patience.
We stop feeling like vending machines.
Meltdowns lose their power.
Boundaries create safety and trust.
And most importantly: kids discover that love isn’t about unlimited yeses. It’s about safe, secure guidance — and parents who care enough to stand firm.
One day, your child will thank you. Not for the extra ice cream or late-night cartoons, but for the invisible structure that made them feel safe to grow.
So the next time your child demands cookies before dinner, take a breath. Smile. Say no.
Because no isn’t the end of love. Sometimes, it’s the most loving word of all.
© Kristijan Musek Lešnik, 2025
