The »Ask Your Mother/Father« Endless Loop

• Mistake: Indecisive passing of responsibility back and forth.

• Consequence: Parenting as hot-potato decision-making — nobody wants to be the bad guy, so we just keep tossing the potato.

• Reality Check: Sometimes you just have to decide, even if it’s imperfect.

It starts with something innocent: “Can I have ice cream before dinner?” One parent punts: “Ask your mother.” Mom, mid-email, punts back: “Ask your father.” The child, now a shuttlecock in a badminton match of avoidance, eventually either eats the ice cream in quiet rebellion… or grows up to believe decision-making requires a full quorum.

When “Ask your mother/father” becomes a lifestyle, kids don’t learn clarity. They learn chaos.

THE ISSUE

Children are master strategists. They can spot a weakness in the parental chain of command faster than a hawk spotting a field mouse.

• If Mom deflects to Dad and Dad deflects to Mom, the child’s eyes light up: “So you’re saying there’s a chance.”

• If one parent is more lenient, the child will bide their time, circle back, and frame the request as if it’s new.

• If both parents waffle long enough, the situation resolves itself: the opportunity has passed, or the child helps themselves.

It seems harmless — a little indecision here, a delayed answer there. But kids notice patterns. When decisions get punted back and forth like a political hot potato, they learn three things:

1. Rules aren’t firm.

2. Parents aren’t sure.

3. Persistence and loopholes win.

WHY PARENTS DO THIS

We don't do this because we want chaos to reign in our household. We do it because today, compared to times when parents were more likely to make unilateral calls and household authority wasn’t as negotiable, parenting is more democratic, and kids have more input (a good thing — up to a point). We do it because in modern co-parenting, there’s often more juggling, coordination, and “checking in," and because the cultural fear of being “too strict” sometimes makes us punt rather than decide. Sometimes we do it because:

• Avoiding Conflict. Let the other parent be the bad guy. You’re not denying the child ice cream — you’re just outsourcing the guilt.

• Uncertainty. Maybe the other parent knows more. Did the child already have dessert at lunch? Did Grandma promise cookies? Safer to pass it along.

• Shared Responsibility. A united front feels safer. But the process of “let’s both decide” often happens in full view of the child, who now knows their fate hinges on whoever blinks first.

• Distraction. You’re mid-task, mentally overloaded. A simple “not now” morphs into “ask your father,” which is code for “I can’t process this right now.”

• Habit. Once “ask your mother/father” becomes the default, it’s automatic — even for questions you could easily answer.

HOW THIS HARMS CHILDREN (AND US)

Hot-potato parenting have many long-term consequences, as it:

• Teaches Kids to Game the System. If persistence yields a “yes,” why stop asking? Kids become expert negotiators, wearing us down like junior lawyers cross-examining a tired witness.

• Creates Inconsistency. Rules shift depending on who’s asked and when. Bedtime isn’t 8 p.m. — it’s 8 p.m. if Dad decides and 8:30 if Mom forgets.

• Undermines Respect for Authority. If no one seems confident in making a call, why should kids respect the rules at all?

• Delays Resolution. Some requests are time-sensitive. By the time you’ve volleyed the question three times, the opportunity has evaporated.

• Signals Avoidance. Kids sense when we’re dodging. They may imitate avoidance in their own problem-solving — punting decisions instead of learning to face them.

And there is also the additional Subtle harm: Eventually, kids may stop asking. Not because they’ve grown more independent, but because they’ve learned questions just bounce endlessly without resolution.