The "Ask Your Mother/Father Endless Loop" Trap

dr. Kristijan Musek Lešnik
Oct 14, 2025
3 min read

Updated: Oct 21, 2025

How to raise expert negotiators without ever meaning to? It's simple. Just turn decision-making into hot-potato parenting. Because when “Ask your mother/father” becomes a lifestyle, kids don’t learn clarity. They learn chaos.

“Sometimes you just have to decide, even if it’s imperfect.”

It starts with something innocent: “Can I have ice cream before dinner?” One parent punts: “Ask your mother.” Mom, mid-email, punts back: “Ask your father.” The child, now a shuttlecock in a badminton match of avoidance, eventually either eats the ice cream in quiet rebellion… or grows up to believe decision-making requires a full quorum.

Mistake: Passing responsibility back and forth endlessly.

THE ISSUE

It starts innocently:

Kid: “Can I have ice cream before dinner?”
Parent A: “Ask your mom.”
Parent B: “Ask your dad.”

Ten minutes later, the kid has either eaten the ice cream anyway or is drafting a legal appeal.

What feels like harmless deferral turns into a system kids quickly master. They learn the family runs on the Law of the Most Lenient Parent. Rules blur. Authority wobbles. And bedtime negotiations start to feel like U.N. peace talks.

WHY PARENTS DO THIS

We do it because of:

Avoiding conflict. Let the other parent be the bad guy.
Uncertainty. Maybe your partner knows more about the situation.
Shared responsibility. Decisions feel safer if made as a team.
Distraction. You’re mid-email or mid-dinner prep and can’t think it through.
Habit. “Ask your mother/father” becomes reflex.

All understandable — but the message kids hear is: “Nobody’s in charge. Try again later.”

HOW THIS HARMS KIDS (AND PARENTS)

Hot-potato parenting:

Games the system. If persistence yields a “yes,” kids keep pushing.
Creates inconsistency. Bedtime is 8 p.m. on Mom’s watch, 8:30 on Dad’s.
Undermines respect. If adults can’t decide, why should kids take the rules seriously?
Delays resolution. By the time the ping-pong stops, the moment has passed.
Models avoidance. Kids learn to dodge decisions instead of making them.

The subtle harm? Kids may eventually stop asking altogether. Not because they’re independent, but because they expect the endless loop.

AVOIDING THE TRAP

The fix isn’t perfection. It’s clarity. Here are some strategies to break the loop:

Own the Small Decisions. If it’s a snack, screen time, or bedtime question, just answer. You’ll get some wrong. That’s fine. Kids value certainty over flawless rulings.
Agree on Baselines. Set family “default rules” — bedtime, treats, screens — so either parent can answer without a huddle. Think of it as your household constitution.
Use “I” Statements. Instead of “Ask your mom,” say “I think the answer is no, because…” It shows ownership and reduces loopholes.
Take It Offline. Need to check with your partner? Step aside for a whisper or quick text. Don’t let kids watch the parental tennis match.
Back Each Other Up Publicly. If one parent makes a call, support it in front of the kids. Disagree later, privately. Otherwise, kids will exploit the cracks like tiny political lobbyists.
Model Decisive Thinking. Show them decisions can be made with incomplete info: “I’m saying yes based on what I know. If I learn more, I’ll adjust next time.” That’s how real life works.
Save Deferrals for Big Stuff.
Trips, phones, sleepovers — fine to say, “We’ll decide together.” But save “ask the other parent” for those moments. That way it means something.

MISTAKES TO AVOID

Using “ask your mother/father” as autopilot.
Always outsourcing the “no” role to one parent.
Arguing about the decision in front of kids.
Stalling so long the opportunity evaporates.

THE PAYOFF

When you stop playing hot-potato parenting, family life gets smoother:

For kids: Boundaries feel predictable. Even if they don’t like the answer, they trust the system.
For parents: No more “Well, Dad said…” whiplash arguments. Less chaos, more clarity.

Best of all, you model a crucial life skill: making decisions without perfect certainty. If kids never see you decide, they’ll grow into adults who can’t pick a career, a college, or even a dinner order without a committee vote.