Bringing common sense with a grain of salt back to parenting!
Mistake: Relying solely on authority without explanation.
Consequence: Parenting logic: “Don’t question me” followed by “Why won’t my teen talk to me?”
Reality Check: Explaining rules creates kids who can actually make good choices when you’re not around.
Every parent eventually unleashes the classic line: “Because I said so.” It’s quick, efficient, and shuts down debate. The problem? When it becomes your default, kids stop learning why rules exist — and eventually, they stop listening altogether. The thing is, a little explanation goes a long way, and authority can be used without shutting down curiosity.
THE ISSUE
It’s 7:52 a.m. Shoes are missing. Backpacks are still empty. One child is trying to leave the house wearing pajamas and sunglasses. Another is mid-breakdown because the “wrong” cup was used for orange juice. You don’t have time for rational debates about hydration vessels.
So you do it. The ancient parental phrase, passed down like a family heirloom:
“Because I said so.”
It feels powerful. Final. Clean. It closes the courtroom. No rebuttals. The gavel bangs, case dismissed.
But if we’re honest? We know the truth. “Because I said so” is often shorthand for: “I don’t have the time, energy, or caffeine for this right now.”
And fair enough — sometimes we don’t. But when this becomes our main parenting tool, the results aren’t pretty.
WHY PARENTS DO THIS
We don’t say it because we’re dictators. We say it because of:
Efficiency. Explaining why sugar isn’t breakfast takes more brainpower than pouring cereal.
Authority. Sometimes kids push boundaries just to see if they wobble. “Because I said so” is the verbal concrete wall.
Tradition. Let’s be real — our parents used it. Their parents used it. Somewhere back in time, cavemen probably grunted the Stone Age equivalent when their kids asked why they couldn’t lick fire.
Sanity. After the 18th “why” of the day, our brain short-circuits. “Because I said so” becomes the parental Ctrl+Alt+Delete.
Fear of losing control. Sometimes explanations feel like negotiations. If we explain too much, maybe they’ll argue harder. Easier to just slam the door shut.
And honestly? There’s a guilty pleasure in it. For once, we’re the unquestioned authority. Until, of course, our child learns the ultimate counterattack: the eye-roll.
HOW THIS HARMS CHILDREN (AND US)
Used sparingly, it’s fine. Used constantly, it backfires because it:
Shuts down curiosity. Kids don’t ask “why” to be annoying (well… not exclusively). They’re trying to make sense of the world. Answering with “because I said so” too often teaches them not to ask — not because they understand, but because they’ve given up.
Builds compliance, not thinking. Sure, they’ll follow the rule when you’re there. But without the “why,” they won’t apply it independently. (Spoiler: “Don’t run in parking lots” only works if they understand cars can’t always see them.)
Fuels rebellion later. Preschoolers may accept it. Tweens and teens? They hear it as a dare. “Because I said so? Watch me.”
Erodes trust. When every rule feels arbitrary, kids assume rules are about power, not care. And once that seed is planted, it’s hard to get them to believe your motives.
Teaches poor communication. Kids learn boundaries by watching you. If your version of boundaries is “shut down dialogue,” guess what they’ll do with peers, teachers, or partners later?
So yes, it solves the short-term tantrum. But in the long run, it trains kids to either blindly comply — or stop listening altogether. Neither is the good.
AVOIDING THE TRAP
The trick isn’t abolishing “because I said so” entirely (you’ll need it for stoves, streets, and sibling warfare). It’s making sure it’s the emergency tool — not the default setting.
Here are some proven ideas:
1. Use Explanations as Teaching Moments
Swap “because I said so” for bite-sized cause-and-effect:
“We don’t run in parking lots because cars can’t always see you.”
“Homework comes before games so you can relax while playing.”
You’re not negotiating. You’re connecting the dots so they can apply the rule even when you’re not there. (Think less “debate club,” more “mini science lesson.”)
2. Match Explanations to Age
Four-year-olds don’t need a TED Talk on nutrition. “Too much candy makes your tummy hurt” will do. Older kids can handle: “Sugar gives a quick burst of energy, then a crash — that’s why you feel cranky.” The key is to keep it at their level. (Save the metabolic pathways for your adult dinner parties.)
3. Keep It Short (Really Short)
Nobody wants a 12-minute monologue on bedtime. A sentence or two is enough: "Bedtime is 8:00 so you have energy for school.” (Think tweet, not thesis.)
4. Offer Choices Within Limits
Rules stand, but agency lives inside them.
“Shoes on, but red or blue?”
“Bedtime is 8:00. Do you want to read or listen to music before lights out?”
Kids still follow the boundary but feel ownership. It turns dictatorship into partnership (without losing control).
5. Save “Because I Said So” for Emergencies
Crossing streets. Grabbing sharp knives. Jumping off tall furniture. These are “don’t-argue-now” moments. When you reserve it for real danger, it carries weight. When you use it for broccoli, it loses all power.
6. Circle Back Later
Sometimes you need instant compliance. That’s fine. But circle back: “I told you to come inside because I saw lightning. I didn’t have time to explain then.” This rebuilds trust — showing them you weren’t being arbitrary, you were being urgent.
7. Model Respectful Boundaries
Even firm rules can include empathy: “I get that you don’t like brushing teeth. I don’t either. But it keeps us healthy.” It teaches that limits can coexist with kindness. (A skill many adults still struggle with.)
8. Admit You Don’t Always Know
Sometimes kids ask “why” and the honest answer is: “Good question. Let’s find out together.”
This shifts you from authoritarian to co-learner — and shows that curiosity is lifelong, not something to outgrow.
THE PAYOFF
When you move past “because I said so” as your go-to, magic happens:
Kids see rules as care, not control.
They develop critical thinking, not just compliance.
They’re more likely to come to you with real questions later — because they believe you’ll listen.
And when you do use “because I said so”? It lands. They know it means urgency, not broccoli fatigue.
In the end, the goal isn’t to raise kids who blindly obey. It’s to raise kids who understand why boundaries exist — and eventually, how to set their own.
And yes, you’ll still say “because I said so” sometimes. But when you do, it won’t be the default. It’ll be the exclamation point.
© Kristijan Musek Lešnik, 2025
