The "Competing for the Fun Parent Trophy" Trap

Outdoing the other parent and becoming your child's BFF with the "Best Fun Parent Ever" trophy might seem as winning the parenting game ... but it can actually lead to losing the long game.

Mistake: Outdoing co-parent on treats, privileges, and “yes” answers to win affection.

Consequence: Parenting as a talent show where the prize is child’s fleeting approval.

Reality Check: Kids need consistent parenting, not two competing cruise directors.

We’ve all been there: your kid runs in glowing because Mom let them have ice cream before dinner. You, determined not to look like the boring parent, announce a movie night with popcorn. The kid beams, the scoreboard ticks, and suddenly parenting feels less like teamwork and more like Survivor. 

The danger? When parenting becomes a contest for affection, the prize isn’t worth the cost — because the child ends up losing the stability they actually need.

THE ISSUE

Parenting is already exhausting without it doubling as a competitive sport. Yet it happens, often subtly:

• “Your dad said no to Minecraft? Well, I think you’ve earned it today.”

• “Mom made you eat broccoli? Don’t worry, I’ll order pizza.”

• “She’s strict about bedtime, but we’ll just stay up and watch one more show, okay?”

Each move feels small — even generous. But in a child’s eyes, the pattern is clear: love is measured by who says yes the most.

This “fun parent Olympics” can be most obvious in divorced or separated households, but it also creeps into intact families. Two parents who genuinely love each other may still find themselves in a subtle rivalry for Best Loved Parent.

The problem? Kids are brilliant at spotting these cracks. 

WHY PARENTS DO THIS

A while ago, things were pretty clear. Parents weren’t in open competition. One “no” was rarely overturned. Authority was less negotiable. Children had fewer levers for lobbying and did not have the skills of a seasoned negotiator.

Nowadays? Parentinghas become more performative. Instagram-worthy outings, Pinterest-level birthday parties, curated vacations — fun is not just fun, it’s content. Parents are hyper-aware of kids’ emotions. A pout can feel like an existential referendum on our parenting.

The cultural pressure to be liked — by kids, by peers, by social media — feeds the parental anxieties. But the result is often kids who see rules as flexible and affection as transactional.

So, many parents compete (intentionally or completely unconsciously) for the "Fun Parent Trophy" because of:

• Guilt. You missed soccer practice, you worked late all week, you snapped at them during homework. Enter the guilt-gift combo: ice cream, screen time, staying up late. Instant forgiveness — or so it feels.

• Divorce or Separation. When parenting happens across households, the temptation skyrockets. No one wants to be the “boring” house when the other parent is the party house.

• Fear of Rejection. Saying no feels like risking affection. If your child sulks, does that mean they love the other parent more? That fear can drive a lot of yeses.

• One-Upmanship. Your co-parent took them to a water park? You’ll counter with a trampoline park. They bought a new video game? You’ll buy two. Parenting, the sequel: Keeping Up with the Exes.

• Short-Term Thinking. That smile when you say yes? It feels like proof you’re doing something right. But the sugar high (literal and metaphorical) fades, leaving long-term instability.

HOW THIS HARMS CHILDREN (AND US)

Parental competition for children's affection can have a number of implications:

• Inconsistent Rules. If Mom enforces bedtime but Dad bends it nightly, the rule itself dissolves. Kids learn rules are negotiable based on which adult they ask.

• Encourages Manipulation. Children become expert petitioners. They know who to ask for what, and they’ll happily play parents against each other.

• Undermines Respect. When parents contradict each other, neither looks authoritative. Rules start to feel like a joke.

• Fosters Entitlement. If every interaction has to be fun, indulgent, or rewarding, kids expect life to be that way. (Spoiler: life does not comply.)

• Puts Kids in the Middle. They may feel pressure to “choose sides,” especially when competition is obvious. That’s an unfair emotional burden.

• Affection becomes conditional. If kids learn love is tied to treats, exceptions, or rule-bending, they may struggle to value relationships for emotional connection alone.