The “Fun Parent Trophy” Trap

dr. Kristijan Musek Lešnik
Oct 17, 2025
4 min read

Parenting is already exhausting without it doubling as a competitive sport. Yet it happens, often subtly. “Mom made you eat broccoli? Don’t worry, I’ll order pizza.” Each move feels small — even generous. But in a child’s eyes, the pattern is clear: love is measured by who says yes the most.

“Kids need consistent parenting, not two competing cruise directors.”

We’ve all been there: your kid runs in glowing because Mom let them have ice cream before dinner. You, determined not to look like the boring parent, announce a movie night with popcorn. The kid beams, the scoreboard ticks, and suddenly parenting feels less like teamwork and more like Survivor.

The danger? When parenting becomes a contest for affection, the prize isn’t worth the cost — because the child ends up losing the stability they actually need.

Mistake: Outdoing your co-parent on treats, privileges, and “yes” answers to win affection.

THE ISSUE

It starts small:

Mom says no to ice cream before dinner.
Dad, feeling generous (or guilty), says yes.
Kid beams. Scoreboard clicks.

Harmless? Not really. When parents turn into contestants, kids quickly learn the game: keep asking until you find the “fun” parent.

This pattern can creep into any family, but it’s especially tempting in divorced or separated households. Still, even happily married couples sometimes slide into subtle competition: who plans the cooler outing, who says yes more often, who wins the “favorite” crown.

The problem? Kids don’t need rival camp counselors. They need parents who play on the same team.

WHY PARENTS DO THIS

Because of:

Guilt. You missed the game, you worked late, you snapped at them — so you pay back with pizza or extra screen time.
Divorce dynamics. Nobody wants to be the “boring” house when the other one looks like Disneyland.
Fear of rejection. Saying no feels like risking your child’s affection.
One-upmanship. If the other parent did something fun, you feel pressure to top it.
Short-term thinking. That smile from your child when you bend the rule feels like proof you’re doing something right.

It’s understandable. But over time, the short-term glow burns holes in the long-term foundation.

HOW THIS HARMS KIDS (AND PARENTS)

Trying to be the more popular parent:

Lead to inconsistent rules. Bedtime, homework, snacks — they stop being boundaries and start being negotiable.
Encourages manipulation. Kids become expert lobbyists. They know exactly which parent to approach for which request.
Undermines respect. When parents contradict each other, authority erodes for both.
Fosters entitlement. If indulgence becomes normal, kids expect life to work that way.
Puts kids in the middle. They may feel pressure to “choose sides.”

The subtle harm? Love feels conditional — tied to gifts, perks, or who says yes. That’s not the lesson we want kids to carry into future relationships.

AVOIDING THE TRAP

The good news? You can be fun and consistent:

Agree on Core Rules. Set shared boundaries — bedtime, homework, screen time. If both parents enforce the same basics, there’s less room for loopholes.
Make Treats Occasional, Not Currency. A surprise trip for ice cream works best when it’s not used as competition. Joy works better as a gift than a bribe.
Don’t Undermine Publicly. If the other parent already said no, back it up. Disagree later, in private. Otherwise, kids learn to play you off each other like mini political strategists.
Connect Without Buying It. Board games, silly jokes, baking together, walks. These low-cost, no-bribe moments build deeper connection than pizza-forgiveness.
Share the Credit. Reframe from “I’m taking you to the park” to “We thought it’d be fun for you to go to the park.” It’s about teamwork, not trophies.
Pause and Check Your Motives. Before you say yes, ask: “Am I doing this to connect — or to outshine the other parent?” That pause can be a lifesaver.
Play the Long Game. Today’s pout over bedtime rules is tomorrow’s trust in your consistency. Fun fades fast. Reliability lasts.

MISTAKES TO AVOID

Turning every activity into one-upmanship.
Letting guilt dictate decisions.
Measuring parenting success by smiles-per-hour.
Overriding your co-parent in front of your child.

THE PAYOFF

When you stop competing for the “fun parent” trophy, your child gets something better than constant treats: stability.

For kids: Rules feel consistent. Love feels unconditional. They don’t have to pick sides.
For parents: Less manipulation, fewer “but Mom said…” battles, more teamwork.

The bonus? Kids still remember the fun times. They’ll cherish the pizza nights, the ice cream trips, the goofy bedtime stories. But they’ll also remember that they could trust you. That your no meant no, and your yes meant yes. That love wasn’t something to win, but something they could count on.

Because in the end, the “fun parent” trophy doesn’t belong on your shelf. The real prize is raising kids who know love isn’t conditional — and that’s the kind of win that lasts.