Bringing common sense with a grain of salt back to parenting!
Raising tweens may include slammed doors, unfinished homework, toddler-level tantrums in nearly adult-sized bodies, and parents whispering: “What even are you?” Actually, it's just another important stage in growing up.
Mistake: Expecting 11-year-olds to act like mature high schoolers — or infantilizing them like preschoolers.
Why: Tweens will alternate between asking for your help to cut their chicken nuggets and demanding you treat them like emancipated adults. Sometimes in the same hour.
Reality Check: They’re not toddlers, but they’re not teenagers either. They’re tweens. And that messy, awkward in-between deserves its own parenting strategy.
The tween years are a paradox. One minute they’re reciting climate change statistics like mini-activists, the next they’re crying because their favorite hoodie is in the wash. Parents get whiplash trying to figure out: "Do I give them independence? Or do I remind them to brush their teeth for the hundredth time?" The trap is expecting them to be more (or less) than they are — treating them like mini-adults or eternal toddlers. This chapter explores why we fall into that trap, how it harms kids, and how to embrace the glorious, awkward, infuriating middle ground called tweenhood.
THE ISSUE
Your 11-year-old comes home from school. They toss their backpack down and deliver a surprisingly deep take on global economics: “Mom, did you know companies exploit child labor to make cheap clothes?”
Five minutes later, they’re sobbing because their favorite anime character was killed off in Season 3.
Ten minutes after that, they demand you let them walk alone to Starbucks — because they’re “practically grown up.”
And by bedtime, you’re still reminding them to brush their teeth, while they insist they’re too old for nagging.
Welcome to tweenhood: the land of contradictions. The usual mistake parents make when their children enter this stage of development? Trying to force them into one category. Some parents treat tweens like mini-adults, expecting responsibility, emotional regulation, and foresight that just isn’t there yet. Others keep them infantilized, assuming they’re too fragile, immature, or incompetent to handle even small responsibilities.
Neither way works. Both backfire.
WHY PARENTS DO THIS
Today's tweens differ from previous generations of tweens because the world they live in has changed dramatically. Not so long ago, at 11, tweens were climbing trees, riding bikes until dark, and still collecting stickers. Puberty arrived late and slowly. Independence came gradually: maybe a bus ride, maybe babysitting for $2 an hour. Parents had fewer milestones to stress about.
The world changed just in a couple of decades. Now tweens consume global news on YouTube before breakfast. Puberty is earlier. Hormones arrive before the emotional wiring is ready. Independence looks different: phones, group chats, Roblox accounts with virtual economies. Expectations are higher. The world expect them to be activists, achievers, polished.
The result? A confusing cultural script: they’re “kids” until they suddenly aren’t — with no clear roadmap for the middle. And parents who are trying to adapt their approaches to this unpredictable period, guided by various impulses:
Fear of the Future. We want to prepare them for teen life — so sometimes we push maturity too soon.
Nostalgia. We miss the cuddly toddler days. So we hang on, doing things for them long after they could do them themselves.
Social Comparison. Other kids seem older/younger. We measure ours against the neighbor’s “mature” 11-year-old who already has a phone and a part-time babysitting gig.
Cultural Pressure. Media tells us tweens are either sweet kids or terrifying proto-teens. There’s no in-between role model.
Our Own Panic. We see them slipping away from childhood and cling harder — or we overcorrect by demanding “maturity” as proof we’re not losing control.
HOW THIS HARMS CHILDREN (AND US)
Imagine 11-year-olds forced to wear business suits to school: “Sorry, honey, you’re practically 16 now. Time to carry a briefcase.” Or the opposite: a tween brought to preschool circle time: “Here’s your snack, here’s your coloring sheet. Don’t worry about algebra yet.” Or family meetings where one sibling gets car keys and the other gets sippy cups — and they’re the 17 months apart.
When tweens are miscast in roles that don’t fit, it can lead to:
Pushed Too Hard Too Soon. Expecting 11-year-olds to be mini-adults burdens them with responsibility they can’t manage yet.
Kept Too Young Too Long. Doing everything for them robs them of confidence and independence.
Identity Confusion. They already feel awkward in their changing bodies. Parental mismatches amplify the confusion.
Erosion of Trust. If parents expect too much or too little, tweens stop trusting us to “get” them.
Damaged Relationships. Friction grows. They feel unseen, misjudged, and frustrated.
WHY IT’S TEMPTING TO KEEP DOING IT
Because both paths give us temporary comfort.
Expecting maturity makes us feel less anxious about the teen years.
Keeping them little soothes our nostalgia and fear of change.
But both are short-term fixes with long-term costs.
AVOIDING THE TRAP
How to live with tweens without expecting too much or too little?
Embrace the “In-Between.” Say out loud (ar at least accept it yourself): “You’re not a little kid anymore, but you’re not a teenager yet either. You’re in the middle — and that’s okay.”
Give Age-Appropriate Independence. Let them walk to the store, make their own sandwich, or manage small chores. Not everything, not nothing. (If your tween can program Lego robots, but not butter toast, you’ve probably missed a step.)
Allow Safe Failures. Let them forget homework once, burn the grilled cheese, or miss the bus (with backup safety nets). Growth comes through trial and error.
Keep Rituals Alive. Bedtime stories may shift to shared shows or podcasts, but routines still anchor them.
Talk About Bodies and Feelings Honestly. Puberty talk isn’t optional. Normalize the awkwardness. If you don’t, TikTok will... and that's probably not what you want..
Set Boundaries With Empathy. Say no when needed, but explain why. Tweens crave fairness almost as much as Wi-Fi.
Let Them Be Silly. They’re still kids! Pillow forts, slime, cartoons — let them play without mocking.
Respect Their “Almost Grown” Moments. If they want privacy to text friends or pick their own clothes, honor it. Independence is a muscle that needs to be trained..
THE PAYOFF
The simple truth is: tweens are neither toddlers nor teens. They’re both. And neither. And that’s the magic (and sometimes a painful reality that causes parental headaches ). When we let them be tweens, we give them the greatest gift: room to grow at their own messy, uneven pace. They feel seen — not rushed, not babied. They gain confidence in independence, but also security in knowing they can still be kids. And we preserve the relationship. Instead of constant battles about whether they’re “too old” or “too young,” we become allies who understand this weird middle stage.
They’ll have a lifetime to be adults. They had a fleeting few years to be little. Tweenhood is the bridge — awkward, shaky, often hilarious. Cross it with them, don’t push them to either side too soon. In the end, they won’t remember whether you made them act older or kept them little. They’ll remember that you walked with them in the middle. And that’s what counts.
© Kristijan Musek Lešnik, 2025
