The Early Teenager Myth

dr. Kristijan Musek Lešnik
Oct 12, 2025
3 min read

The tween years are a paradox. One minute they’re reciting climate change statistics like mini-activists, the next they’re crying because their favorite hoodie is in the wash. Parents get whiplash trying to figure out: Do I give them independence? Or do I remind them to brush their teeth for the hundredth time?

“They’re not toddlers, but they’re not teenagers either. They’re tweens. And that messy, awkward in-between deserves its own parenting strategy.”

Some parents treat tweens like mini-adults, expecting responsibility, emotional regulation, and foresight that just isn’t there yet. Others keep them infantilized, assuming they’re too fragile, immature, or incompetent to handle even small responsibilities. Neither works. Both backfire.

Mistake: Expecting 11-year-olds to act like mature high schoolers — or infantilizing them like preschoolers.

THE ISSUE

The tween years are a paradox.

One minute, your 11-year-old delivers a surprisingly adult take on climate change. Ten minutes later, they’re weeping because their favorite hoodie is in the wash. By bedtime, they’re demanding independence and begging you to cut their chicken nuggets.

Parents fall into two traps:

Pushing them too hard. Expecting tween brains to handle teen-level maturity.
Holding them too tight. Treating them like preschoolers long after they’re capable.

Neither works.

WHY PARENTS DO THIS

Because of:

Fear of the future. We rush maturity to prep for teenage storms.
Nostalgia. We miss the cuddly toddler days.
Social comparison. The neighbor’s kid seems “more grown,” so we push ours.
Cultural pressure. Media tells us tweens are either sweet kids or terrifying proto-teens.
Our own panic. We cling harder or overcorrect to feel in control.

HOW THIS HARMS TWEENS (AND PARENTS)

Expecting too much or expecting too little backfire in different ways:

Too much pressure. Expecting mini-adults burns them out.
Too much coddling. Infantilizing kills confidence.
Identity confusion. They already feel awkward. Parental mismatches amplify it.
Erosion of trust. They think: “My parents don’t get me.”
Damaged relationships. Fights multiply. Respect shrinks.

AVOIDING THE TRAP

The key is understanding the specifics of tween years:

Embrace the In-Between. Say it out loud: “They’re not little anymore, but not a teen yet either. They’re in-between — and that’s okay.”Permission to be awkward = relief.
Give Age-Appropriate Independence. Let them walk to the store, make sandwiches, or manage chores. Not everything. Not nothing. (Hint: if they can code Roblox but not butter toast, something’s off.)
Allow Safe Failures. Forget homework once, burn grilled cheese, miss the bus. Growth comes through small mistakes with soft landings.
Keep Rituals Alive. They may roll their eyes, but tweens still love family traditions — bedtime reading, Friday pizza, goofy rituals.
Talk About Bodies and Feelings. Puberty is messy. Normalize it. If you don’t, TikTok will (probably not in a way that would be comfortable for you.)
Set Boundaries With Compassion. Say no, but explain why. Tweens crave fairness almost as much as Wi-Fi.
Let Them Be Silly. Cartoons, slime, pillow forts. They’re still kids — let them play.
Respect Their “Almost Grown” Moments. Privacy matters: texting friends, picking clothes, choosing music. Independence is a muscle — let them flex it.

THE PAYOFF

Tweenhood is a bridge — awkward, shaky, often hilarious. Don’t shove them to either side too soon. Walk across with them.

When we let tweens be tweens, they feel seen. Not rushed. Not babied. They build confidence from small freedoms, yet still feel safe knowing they can lean on us. Family battles lessen. Respect grows.