The "Forgetting to Update the Rules as They Grow" Trap

Rules should grow with your child — otherwise you’re enforcing elementary school logic on almost-adults who now have facial hair and car keys.

Mistake: Running on “one-size-fits-all” rules long after your teen has outgrown them.

Consequence: “Yes, you may drive yourself to the movies. But make sure you’re in bed by 8:30.”

Reality Check: Rules work best when they evolve with your teen’s maturity — giving them practice at self-management before adulthood.

Some parents act like household rules are carved into stone tablets, handed down by the Parenting Gods on Mount Olympus. Once established, they can never be altered: the bedtime decree of 8:30 p.m. shall last for all eternity. But here’s the problem: those rules might have been perfect when your kid was 10… but now they’re 17, taller than you, shaving every other day, and asking if they can borrow the car to drive to work.

Rules that don’t grow with teens don’t keep order. They create resentment, rebellion, and eye-rolls strong enough to power a wind turbine.

THE ISSUE

Imagine this conversation:

Teen: “Why do I still have to be home by 9? I’m 17.”
Parent: “Because that’s the rule. End of discussion.”

Cue slammed doors, angry sighs, and a quiet vow from the teen to find a way around the rule. Not because they want to be reckless — but because the restriction feels ridiculous.

When ous rules get stuck in childhood mode, two things happen: teens stop respecting them, and they stop respecting us.

WHY PARENTS DO THIS

Not because we’re tyrants (well, not usually). We do it because:

• Old rules are proven and feel safe. If it worked at 12, why not at 17?

• Change feels risky. Adjusting boundaries means trusting more, and trust is terrifying when the stakes feel high.

• Habit takes over. You’ve said “Lights out by 9” so many times it’s muscle memory.

• You want to keep them little. Admitting they’re ready for later curfews means admitting they’re almost ready to leave. Ouch.

• Fear of chaos. If you loosen one rule, won’t it all collapse into anarchy? Won’t they demand pizza for breakfast, a trampoline in the kitchen, and free rein over Netflix passwords?

The problem is, rules that worked beautifully in middle school become absurd in high school — just like trying to make a six-foot teen wear the same sneakers they had in fourth grade.

HOW THIS HARMS TEENS (AND US)

Sticking to outdated rules:

• Undermines trust. They start believing you don’t see them as capable.

• Encourages rebellion. If the rule feels outdated, they’ll ignore it rather than respect it.

• Delays independence. How will they practice self-regulation if you never let them?

• Causes resentment. Nothing kills goodwill like being treated like a sixth grader while you’re applying to colleges.

• Blocks communication. If they assume rules can’t change, they won’t bother asking — they’ll just scheme.

WHY IT’S TEMPTING TO KEEP DOING IT

Because unchanging rules feel simple. Safe. Predictable. But teens are not static. Their brains, bodies, and lives are changing at warp speed. If rules don’t adapt, you end up enforcing nostalgia instead of teaching responsibility.

There’s another reason we cling to certain rules — they’re the ones we grew up with. Sure, we hated them back then. But look at us now: we turned out fine. So clearly, the rules must’ve worked… right?Rules that worked beautifully in middle school become absurd in high school — just like trying to make a six-foot teen wear the same sneakers they had in fourth grade. 

The problem here is the world of rules was much simpler in our times. Most rules were simple and tied to routines. Curfew was tied to streetlights, not cell phone trackers. Bedtime was universal: “Everyone in bed by 9, no arguments.” And ... negotiation wasn’t an option: rules were rules.

Today? Teens juggle jobs, AP classes, sports, and activities that keep them out late. Curfews are set against a backdrop of Uber rides, social media, and GPS check-ins. Bedtimes don’t mean “lights out”; they mean “off TikTok by midnight (please).” Last but not least, teens expect rules to be discussed, not dictated. They’ve grown up watching parents “reason” with toddlers about wearing shoes — and they’ll expect the same treatment at 16.

So there's an instant clash: old-school rules meet new-school expectations.