The "Forgetting to Update the Rules as They Grow" Trap

dr. Kristijan Musek Lešnik
Oct 15, 2025
3 min read

Rules should grow with your teen — otherwise you’re enforcing elementary school logic on almost-adults who now have facial hair and car keys.

“Rules work best when they evolve with your teen’s maturity — giving them practice at self-management before adulthood.”

Rules that don’t grow with teens don’t keep order. They create resentment, rebellion, and eye-rolls strong enough to power a wind farm. And yet, some parents act like household rules were carved into stone tablets and handed down by the Parenting Gods. Bedtime is 8:30. Curfew is 9. Lights out by 10. End of discussion. That might have worked beautifully when your child was 10. But now they’re 17, taller than you, with a driver’s license — and the same rules suddenly feel ridiculous.

Mistake: Keeping the same restrictions without adjusting for age, maturity, or earned trust.

THE ISSUE

Imagine this conversation:

Teen: “Why do I still have to be home by 9? I’m 17.”

Parent: “Because that’s the rule. End of discussion.”

Cue slammed doors, angry sighs, and a quiet vow from the teen to find a way around the rule. Not because they want to be reckless — but because the restriction feels ridiculous.

When rules get stuck in childhood mode, two things happen: teens stop respecting them, and they stop respecting you.

WHY PARENTS DO THIS

It’s not always about control. Sometimes we keep old rules because:

Old rules feel safe. If it worked once, why change?
Change feels risky. Trusting them more feels scary.
Habit takes over. You’ve said “Lights out by 9” for so long you forget to re-evaluate.
You want to keep them little. Updating rules reminds you they’re growing up — and closer to leaving.
Fear of chaos. Loosen one rule and won’t it all collapse? (Spoiler: no.)

The result? Enforcing kindergarten logic on near-adults.

HOW THIS HARMS TEENS (AND PARENTS)

Rigid sticking to outdated rules that teenagers have long outgrown, backfires in many ways, because it:

Undermines trust. They feel you don’t see them as capable.
Encourages rebellion. Outdated rules are easier to break than respect.
Delays independence. They don’t practice decision-making while you’re still around to guide them.
Breeds resentment. Nothing fuels teenage sighs like being treated like they’re still in middle school.
Blocks communication. If they believe rules never change, they won’t even bother asking.

AVOIDING THE TRAP

The goal isn’t to throw all structure out the window. It’s to make sure structure evolves with your teen’s maturity.

Review Rules Regularly. Put it on your calendar: every six months, ask “Do these still fit?” Rules should be as adjustable as shoe sizes.
Adjust for Maturity, Not Just Age. Two 16-year-olds may be wildly different. Reward demonstrated responsibility with more freedom; pull back if they show they can’t handle it.
Involve Them in the Conversation. Ask: “Our curfew has been 9 for years. Do you think it still makes sense?” You don’t have to agree, but you do need to listen.
Tie Freedom to Responsibility. Make privileges something they earn, not something you hand over.
- “Stick to curfew for a month and we’ll extend it.”
- “If grades stay solid, you can manage your own screen time.”
Explain Your Reasoning. Rules explained = rules respected. “Be home earlier on school nights so you’re rested” works better than “Because I said so.”
Be Proactive, Not Reactive. Don’t wait for conflict to force updates. Review before resentment builds.
Keep Core Boundaries, Flex the Rest. Health, safety, and values are non-negotiable. Bedtime at 8:30 for a 17-year-old? Very negotiable.

WHY THIS MATTERS IN THE TEEN YEARS

The teen years are the runway to adulthood. If you keep them tightly controlled until 18, they will one day go from micromanaged to total freedom overnight — with no practice in between.

Updating rules gives them:

Practice managing freedom.
Proof that you notice and respect their growth.
A partnership instead of a power struggle.

THE BALANCE BETWEEN FREEDOM & SAFETY

This isn’t about throwing all structure out the window. It’s about tailoring structure to the person standing in front of you. Think of it like upgrading their wardrobe. The sixth-grade hoodie might still fit emotionally — but physically, it’s a joke.

MISTAKES TO AVOID

Keeping old rules out of laziness or nostalgia.
Waiting for fights before making changes.
Making updates without communicating why.
Believing looser rules mean you care less (they actually show trust).

THE PAYOFF

When you update rules as they grow:

They connect freedom to responsibility.
You reduce unnecessary conflict.
They practice independence before leaving home.
Your relationship shifts from “boss and employee” to “mentor and emerging adult.”