Bringing common sense with a grain of salt back to parenting!
Spoiler: kids aren’t quarterly reports, and learning doesn’t happen on a spreadsheet.
Mistake: Treating grades as the only measure of worth.
Consequence: “Breaking news: Your child’s math quiz dropped 7 points, triggering panic in the household index.”
Reality check: Learning is a process, not a performance. When grades become the currency of parenting, kids may cash out on curiosity altogether.
Some parents are convinced that they are doing the best for their children when they constantly measure them against their school grades. But when every quiz, essay, or spelling test gets analyzed like stock prices on Wall Street, children doesn’t feel motivated — they feel like a company under hostile takeover. Let's look into how we got so grade-obsessed, what it does to kids, and what make up a healthy approach to learning that values growth over graphs.
THE ISSUE
Tweens are in that awkward in-between stage: too old for stickers and smiley faces on worksheets, too young for college admissions (though you’d think otherwise by how some parents act). This is the age when grades start to feel more “real.” Report cards have grades instead of sunshine stamps. Standardized testing ramps up. And parents… well, some of us start treating every test score like a financial forecast.
One missed assignment? Red alert.
One B-minus? Economic collapse.
One low math quiz? “Oh no, how will you ever get into medical school?”
We hover over online grade portals like day traders watching tickers. Some schools even have apps that notify you the instant a grade is entered. Parents get a push notification at 2:17 p.m.: “Science quiz: 73%.”And before the bell even rings, we’re texting: “What happened???”
Meanwhile, kids start living under the impression that every grade is either a victory parade or a stock crash.
WHY PARENTS DO THIS
It’s not because we’re villains — it’s because we care. But good intentions often get tangled in fear, competition, and a dash of ego.
Fear of the future. We live in a culture where college feels like a lottery with high stake odds. Every grade is framed as a stepping stone (or stumbling block) to scholarships, jobs, security.
Comparison culture. Social media doesn’t just show vacations and birthday parties — it shows honor roll certificates, “proud parent” posts, and screenshots of perfect report cards. Suddenly, your kid’s grades feel like your parenting résumé.
Our own history. Maybe you were praised (or criticized) for grades as a kid. That script runs deep. If achievement was your way of earning love, you might pass on that pressure.
The illusion of control. Grades are neat, measurable, and trackable. You can’t see curiosity, resilience, or creativity — but you can check if your child got a 95 instead of a 92. Numbers make us feel like we’re steering the ship.
School systems feed it. Many schools reinforce grade obsession: awards assemblies, GPA rankings, endless standardized testing. Parents are just playing the game their kids are forced into.
The problem? When grades become the family currency, kids don’t learn to love learning. They learn to perform for points.
HOW THIS HARMS CHILDREN (AND US)
At first, being “grade-focused” might seem harmless — after all, what’s wrong with high standards? But when taken too far, it backfires in surprising (and sometimes painful) ways.
It kills curiosity. If every question is answered with, “Will this be on the test?” kids stop exploring for the sake of discovery.
It fosters fear of failure. Instead of taking risks, trying new strategies, or embracing challenges, kids aim for safe A’s. Failure becomes terrifying rather than educational.
It reduces self-worth to numbers. A bad grade feels like being a bad person. Instead of, “I did poorly on this test,” it becomes, “I am a failure.”
It damages relationships. If every car ride turns into a grade debrief, kids may clam up or hide information. Homework time becomes a war zone instead of a chance to connect.
It encourages cheating. When grades matter more than learning, some kids take shortcuts. The pressure to maintain the “perfect report card” can outweigh honesty.
It builds burnout. Constant pressure to achieve can lead to stress, anxiety, and exhaustion — all before high school even starts.
The thing is, when kids link grades with parental approval, they may start to feel that love is conditional. That’s a heavy burden for a twelve-year-old carrying a backpack bigger than their torso.
AVOIDING THE TRAP
It's not about ignoring the grades completely — they matter. But they’re just one piece of the picture. So let’s talk about finding that middle ground between obsessing about grades—and swinging to the other extreme of total indifference.
Shift the Conversation. Instead of: “Why did you only get an 82?” try: “What part was hardest for you?” This moves the focus from judgment to growth. It tells your child: I care about how you’re learning, not just what you scored. (A good question: “What’s one thing you learned today that wasn’t on the test?” The side effect of such questions? Children can see learning as bigger than the grade.)
Celebrate Effort and Process. Yes, the grade matters. But the work matters more. Praise perseverance, creative problem-solving, or the fact they kept going after frustration. (Imagine if Olympians were only celebrated when they won gold, not for training every day for years. “Sorry, silver medalist — no one cares.” That’s how kids feel when only A’s get applause.)
Normalize Mistakes. Failure isn’t the opposite of learning — it’s part of it. Share your own “flops” from work or school. Show that mistakes don’t disqualify you from success.
Limit Portal Patrol. If your school has an online grade system, decide how often you’ll check. Once a week is plenty. Constant refreshing turns you into a day trader of GPA futures. (Constant grade surveillance feels like a constant surveillance without a shred of trust to tweens... because that's exactly what it is.)
Separate Self-Worth from Scores. Say this often: “I love you no matter what’s on the paper.” Then prove it with your reactions. A B-minus is not a betrayal; it’s a data point.
Broaden the Definition of Success. Grades are one measure — but so should be kindness, creativity, teamwork, resilience. Notice and praise those, too. (It's easy to grade a maths test. But a tween giving her only umbrella to a friend in the rain... that’s the kind of an act no school grade can measure.)
Save Pressure for Where It Matters. Safety rules, honesty, respect — those are non-negotiables. But not every grade deserves a family summit. If everything feels like a crisis, kids stop listening. Choose your moments.
Invest in Curiosity. Take them to museums, hikes, libraries, YouTube rabbit holes of wonder. Show them that learning happens outside report cards. If they see you exploring the world, they’ll value discovery for its own sake.
MISTAKES TO AVOID
Treating every grade like a referendum on their future.
Comparing them to siblings, cousins, or “the neighbor’s kid.”
Rewarding only A’s, ignoring progress in tough subjects.
Refreshing the grade portal like it’s your fantasy football app.
Letting grades dominate family dinner conversation.
THE PAYOFF
There are many ways to care about learning without turning grades into a family sport.
When grades stop being treated like stock prices, everyone breathes easier — and children can rediscover the point of learning itself. They still put in effort, but from a place of curiosity, not crisis management. Grades become information, not identity. Mistakes turn into data, not disasters.
And us? We get something better than perfect report cards — a relationship not ruled by performance metrics.
So when the next not-so-great score shows up, we might skip the panic, step back, exhale. And remember that kids aren’t stocks to monitor, but rather emerging humans figuring out how to learn, with us as their calm constant — not their market analyst.
© Kristijan Musek Lešnik, 2025
