Bringing common sense with a grain of salt back to parenting!
We may think rewards motivate kids. In reality, too many stars, stickers, and bribes can turn everyday life into a constant negotiation — and rob kids of joy in doing things just because.
Mistake: Using rewards for every behavior, until daily life feels like a giant sticker chart.
Consequence: Your 5-year-old now negotiates like a Wall Street trader: “Sure, I’ll brush my teeth… what’s the going rate? Sticker? Candy? Cold, hard cash?”
Reality Check: Rewards can work in moderation, but overuse kills intrinsic motivation. Kids stop acting because it feels good — and start acting because they expect a prize.
Four-year-olds will do almost anything for a sticker. Five-year-olds quickly realize stickers are just paper — and begin demanding toys. By six, they’re holding out for iPads. This is a trap that many parents fall into, finding themselves on a slippery slope of Reward Overload.
Let's look how the “good job!” economy spiraled out of control, why parents (with the best intentions) fuel it, how it warps kids’ motivation, and how to step back before bedtime negotiations start to feel like United Nations trade deals.
THE ISSUE
Picture it: bedtime in a family.
Parent: “Time to brush teeth.”
Child: “What do I get if I do?”
Parent: “A sticker.”
Child: “Eh.”
Parent: “A sticker and two M&Ms.”
Child: “Counteroffer: three M&Ms and five extra minutes of iPad.”
How something that started as raising a child venture morphed into managing a miniature labor union? Quite simple, actually. Because rewards work. Rewards can be powerful. Teachers use them, parents swear by them, and psychologists acknowledge their short-term effectiveness. But when every basic task comes with a bribe, kids stop seeing brushing teeth or putting toys away as normal responsibilities — and start viewing them as negotiable gigs.
WHY PARENTS DO THIS
We fall into reward overload because of different reasons:
It Works (At First). Stickers stop tantrums. Candy gets shoes on feet. Stars on charts buy us peace.
We’re Exhausted. Sometimes, giving out a cookie is easier than dealing with a 45-minute standoff about broccoli.
Culture Trained Us. From employee-of-the-month plaques to loyalty cards at the coffee shop, our society runs on rewards. Parenting just copied the playbook.
We Fear Negative Emotions. If a reward stops tears, it feels like we’re protecting our child’s happiness — even if we’re just delaying the inevitable meltdown.
Social Media Reinforces It. Instagram moms post their Pinterest-perfect sticker charts. Suddenly, your messy fridge whiteboard feels inadequate, and you’re on Etsy ordering a custom laminated “Chore & Reward System.”
It wasn't always like this. Years ago (1980s/90s), raising kids looked like:
Rewards = occasional treats. Finish your dinner? Ice cream. Do well in school? A trip to the zoo.
Daily tasks? You just… did them. Or faced consequences.
Teachers gave gold stars sparingly — and they actually felt special.
Then somehow what looked like a sensible and child psychology driven idea (rewards can be used to reinforce desired behavior in children) morphed into:
Every micro-task earns a sticker, prize, or snack. (“Thanks for sitting quietly for 30 seconds — here’s a gummy bear!”)
“Participation trophies” proliferate: entire soccer teams get medals, even the kids who spent the season picking dandelions.
Parenting blogs push elaborate reward charts with levels, points, and bonus systems — basically toddler loyalty programs.
Kids now expect prizes for breathing.
It’s not surprising our children act like mini hedge-fund managers. We trained them to.
HOW THIS HARMS CHILDREN (AND US)
When rewards become currency for everything, a few things happen:
Intrinsic Motivation Tanks. Kids stop doing things for joy or pride and start doing them for loot.
Negotiation Becomes Default. Why brush teeth for free if you can get paid in stickers?
Short-Term Thinking. They chase immediate rewards instead of long-term benefits.
Entitlement Grows. “Where’s my prize?” becomes the family anthem.
Parental Burnout. You can’t out-incentivize a five-year-old forever. Eventually, they demand more than you can give.
Missed Life Lessons. Responsibility, persistence, and self-regulation get lost when everything is tied to a bribe.
WHY IT’S TEMPTING TO KEEP DOING IT
Because rewards work. At least in the short term.
You get out the door faster.
Dinner ends without a standoff.
The house stays clean for 10 glorious minutes.
But the long-term cost is high. We end up with kids who believe nothing is worth doing unless there’s a prize attached. And that will inevitably cost and hurt us an them in the future.
AVOIDING THE TRAP
There are quite a few recommendations that can keep rewards in their place — helpful, but not overwhelming.
1. Save Rewards for the Big Stuff.
Use them for major milestones (new skills) — not daily basics like eating dinner. Save the sticker chart for teaching habits, not every bite of broccoli. (If your child gets a medal for putting on pants, what’s left for graduating high school?)
2. Shift from Rewards to Routines.
Make brushing teeth, setting the table, or cleaning up toys part of daily life — not negotiable gigs. Kids thrive on predictability. (Instead of giving a candy for putting shoes on, it's wiser to say, ‘Shoes go on before we leave.’)
3. Use Praise Wisely.
Not every act needs applause. Save “Wow, great effort!” for genuine persistence. Avoid the automatic “Good job!” for every breath. (Praise effort and character (“You kept trying,” “You were kind”) instead of results or compliance.)
4. Model Intrinsic Motivation.
Show them tasks you do without prizes. “I cook dinner because I like caring for our family” plants the idea that responsibility has its own rewards. (Don’t say, “I do laundry for stickers.” Unless you want to start a very strange household economy.)
5. Make Fun the Reward.
Link chores to play. You can sing together while cleaning, race to put toys away, or dance while brushing teeth. The activity itself becomes enjoyable.
6. Teach Natural Consequences.
Skip the candy. Let reality teach: “If you don’t wear shoes, your feet get cold.” Natural consequences stick better than stickers.
7. Occasional Surprise Rewards (Not Contracts).
Surprise them with a treat after effort — but don’t make it an expectation. The surprise is what makes it powerful. (Tip: “Because you worked so hard today, let’s get ice cream!” feels magical. “Brush your teeth and I’ll buy you ice cream every night” feels contractual.)
8. Build Long-Term Goals.
Help kids see effort pays off over time: “You practiced drawing every day — look at how much better you’ve gotten!” Rewards shift from trinkets to pride.
MISTAKES TO AVOID
Rewarding every behavior.
Upgrading too quickly (stickers → toys → iPads).
Using food as the only motivator (hello, future sugar wars).
Making praise meaningless with overuse.
Treating life as a constant negotiation.
THE PAYOFF
When we restrain ourselves from reward overload:
Kids can discover the joy of doing things for themselves, not for prizes.
We stop managing daily life like a sticker economy.
Our family can shift from constant negotiation to smoother routines.
Our kids learn persistence, responsibility, and pride — without needing a bribe.
Years from now, our child won’t remember every sticker they earned for brushing teeth. They’ll remember Saturday mornings making pancake art, bedtime stories that ended in giggles, and the quiet pride of learning something new just because it felt good.
So ditch the gold-star economy. Life isn’t a sticker chart — and love isn’t a prize box.
Because your child doesn’t need a trophy for putting on socks. They just need to know they’re already enough.
© Kristijan Musek Lešnik, 2025
