The "Fear of Average" Trap

dr. Kristijan Musek Lešnik
Oct 16, 2025
3 min read

Being “average” in 4th grade does not mean being doomed at 40. And yet some parents behave as if their children's fate is sealed if they are not at the top of their class.

“Kids don’t need to be exceptional at everything to thrive — they need space to grow, stumble, and find what matters to them.”

We love our kids. We want the best for them. But somewhere between kindergarten crafts and third-grade math, many parents catch the same fever: the desperate fear of mediocrity. Suddenly, “average” isn’t just a description — it’s a diagnosis. And the cure seems to be: gifted programs, accelerated classes, enrichment camps, and maybe a side order of Mandarin lessons before bedtime. Let's explore why parents panic at the thought of “average,” how it actually harms children, and how to shift the focus from chasing labels to nurturing real, long-term growth.

Mistake: Believing only the “gifted” label will guarantee success.

THE ISSUE

At some point in the primary school years, many parents develop a fever: the fear of average.

It starts small. You hear another parent mention their kid’s in the “gifted cluster” for math. Someone else says theirs is reading Harry Potter already. Meanwhile, your kid is still happily building Lego towers while wearing socks on their hands.

Suddenly, “average” feels like a diagnosis. You panic-Google “gifted program testing dates” and start sneaking math drills into dinner conversation: “Pass the salt — and what’s 7 x 8?”

We’ve turned childhood into a résumé.

WHY PARENTS DO THIS

We do it because of:

The college conveyor belt. We fear if our kids aren’t “ahead” now, they’ll never catch up.
Social comparison. Playdates become bragging Olympics.
Old scars. Some parents are still chasing the approval they didn’t get as kids.
Economic anxiety. The world feels competitive, so kids must be, too.
Love in disguise. It comes from wanting the best, but often feels like pressure.

HOW THIS HARMS KIDS (AND PARENTS)

Demanding from children that they must always be at the top takes its toll:

It tells them they’re not enough. “Average” starts to sound like “failure.”
It undermines curiosity. Pressure replaces joy in learning.
It narrows identity. Kids feel boxed into “gifted” or “not.”
It fuels anxiety. If they’re not dazzling, they fear they’re doomed.
It distorts values. Effort, kindness, and resilience get overshadowed by test scores.

The subtle harm: Kids raised to fear “average” often grow into adults who can’t tolerate normalcy — restless, anxious, convinced that if they’re not extraordinary, they’re failing.

AVOIDING THE TRAP

You can support growth without demanding genius.

Redefine “Average”. Half of all kids are in the middle by definition. That’s not a flaw — it’s the baseline of humanity. (Actually, statistically speaking, half of all children are below average in any given field.)
Value Growth, Not Labels. Ask, “Are they learning?” not “Are they gifted?” Progress matters more than placement.
Resist the Bragging Olympics. Other kids’ achievements don’t diminish yours. Childhood isn’t a race.
Broaden Success. Celebrate creativity, humor, empathy, and resilience — not just grades.
Teach Safe Failing. Mistakes are the real teachers. A botched quiz can be more valuable than a perfect one.
Partner With Teachers. Most teachers don’t care about labels. They care about growth. Ask them how your child is doing overall.
Model Contentment. Show your own acceptance of being “average” at some things: “Turns out I’m not great at baking, but hey — we still get cake.”
Focus on Connection. Make home a safe space where they are valued for who they are, not what they score.

MISTAKES TO AVOID

Treating “average” like a failure.
Signing them up for enrichment just for bragging rights.
Comparing your child to others constantly.
Making love feel conditional on achievement.

THE PAYOFF

When you stop fearing “average”:

Kids relax — learning becomes joyful again.
Families breathe — dinner feels less like a performance review.
Real gifts emerge — the space to explore broadly often reveals unexpected strengths.

The irony? The kids who feel safe and supported, rather than pressured, often soar anyway. Not because they were “labeled gifted,” but because they had the freedom to try, fail, and keep growing. Because the real gift isn’t being exceptional. It’s being loved exactly as they are — average days included.