Parenting Life-Hacks: Avoiding The "Judging Their Friends" Trap

dr. Kristijan Musek Lešnik
Oct 19, 2025
2 min read

Tweens are just beginning to script their own social lives. Too often, parents audition every new face, decide if they’re “main character” or “villain,” and offer unsolicited commentary. The problem? Their friendship isn’t our show to run.

“You don’t have to love all their friends — but you do have to let them choose them.”

AVOIDING THE TRAP

You don’t have to love every friend — but you can handle concerns without running a casting session.

Keep First Impressions to Yourself. Yes, they arrived in neon socks speaking only in TikTok slang. Wait. People surprise us. That “loud one” might later be the loyal one.
Ask, Don’t Announce. Instead of: “I don’t like her.” Try: “What do you like about hanging out with her?”Curiosity keeps the conversation open.
Separate Behavior From Identity. Focus on actions: “I was uncomfortable with the swearing,” not “He’s trouble.” Critique choices, not the entire person.
Focus on Your Child’s Behavior. The real question: Who is your kid when they’re with this friend? Happier? Drained? Ignoring homework? Watch the dynamic, not the résumé.
Keep Your Door (and Pantry) Open. Invite friends over. Yes, snacks vanish, but you gain visibility. Better to overhear Fortnite chatter than guess from silence.
Model Respectful Critique. Show them you can raise concerns without tearing people down. Neutral tones teach more than sarcasm.
Intervene Only When Necessary. Save your veto for red flags: safety risks, illegal activity, genuinely harmful influence. The rarer your “no,” the more it matters.

MISTAKES TO AVOID

Mocking appearance, style, or family. (Just no, no, no!)
Comparing friends (“Why can’t you hang out with Sarah instead?”).
Punishing your child for what their friend did.
Pretending to like someone, then trash-talking later. (Spoiler: they always find out.)