The "Judging Their Friends" Trap

dr. Kristijan Musek Lešnik
Oct 16, 2025
3 min read

Tween friendships are not a casting call — yet many of us treat them like pilots for a new Netflix series. We audition every new face, decide if they’re “main character” or “villain,” and offer unsolicited commentary. The problem? Their friendship isn’t our show to run.

“You don’t have to love all their friends — but you do have to let them choose them.”

Tweens are just beginning to script their own social lives. But too often, parents storm the writer’s room, pencil in stereotypes, and give casting notes on every new friend. This chapter explores why we judge so quickly, how it backfires, and what to do instead — without becoming the meddling network executive who gets the show canceled.

Mistake: Making snap judgments about their friends and announcing them.

THE ISSUE

Your 12-year-old walks in with a new buddy. Within minutes, you’ve got the casting breakdown running in your head:

“That one’s dramatic.”
“He looks like trouble.”
“She’s the quiet one — suspicious.”

Suddenly, you’re less parent and more casting director. And when you share those “observations,” your child hears a bigger message: You don’t trust my choices.

WHY PARENTS DO THIS

It comes from care, but also from habit.

Projection of the past: If a friend once burned you in middle school, you’re scanning for déjà vu.
Fear of bad influence: One eye-roll and you imagine your kid tattooing “YOLO” across their forehead.
Control impulse: You can’t control tweens, but you can critique their friends.
Status anxiety: We secretly care how their friends reflect on us.
Love of labels: “The sporty one, the drama magnet.” Sorting socks is satisfying — but kids aren’t socks.

HOW THIS HARMS TWEENS (AND PARENTS)

Judging their friends doesn’t just affect how they see others — it affects how they see you. It:

Undermines autonomy: Friendships are their first real choices. Judgment = “I don’t trust you.”
Breeds secrecy: Disapprove loudly, and they’ll just stop telling you.
Discourages openness: They share fewer stories, jokes, or conflicts.
Hurts indirectly: Insult their friend’s quirks, and you may be insulting them too.
Strains relationships: If “you never like anyone,” they’ll stop inviting you in.
Backfires: Disapproval makes the friend more appealing. Nothing shines like forbidden friendship.

AVOIDING THE TRAP

You don’t have to love every friend — but you can handle concerns without running a casting session.

Keep First Impressions to Yourself. Yes, they arrived in neon socks speaking only in TikTok slang. Wait. People surprise us. That “loud one” might later be the loyal one.
Ask, Don’t Announce. Instead of: “I don’t like her.” Try: “What do you like about hanging out with her?”Curiosity keeps the conversation open.
Separate Behavior From Identity. Focus on actions: “I was uncomfortable with the swearing,” not “He’s trouble.” Critique choices, not the entire person.
Focus on Your Child’s Behavior. The real question: Who is your kid when they’re with this friend? Happier? Drained? Ignoring homework? Watch the dynamic, not the résumé.
Keep Your Door (and Pantry) Open. Invite friends over. Yes, snacks vanish, but you gain visibility. Better to overhear Fortnite chatter than guess from silence.
Model Respectful Critique. Show them you can raise concerns without tearing people down. Neutral tones teach more than sarcasm.
Intervene Only When Necessary. Save your veto for red flags: safety risks, illegal activity, genuinely harmful influence. The rarer your “no,” the more it matters.

MISTAKES TO AVOID

Mocking appearance, style, or family. (Just no, no, no!)
Comparing friends (“Why can’t you hang out with Sarah instead?”).
Punishing your child for what their friend did.
Pretending to like someone, then trash-talking later. (Spoiler: they always find out.)

THE PAYOFF

When you resist judging every friend like a talent-show audition, you preserve trust. Your tween keeps sharing stories, drama, even asking advice — because they don’t fear automatic rejection.

And sometimes? The friend you doubted may end up being the one who stands by them when things get tough. Kids see qualities in each other adults often miss.

Friendships at this age are messy, shifting, experimental. Some will fade, some will last forever. Your job isn’t to cast the show — it’s to keep the home base safe. Because in the end, this isn’t your sitcom. You’re not the casting director. You’re the audience member with popcorn, laughing at the punchlines, wincing at the drama, and cheering when the story gets good.